THE ETHICIST-A TAP

 

In our society, [ the Western society ] it was once thought gallant for men to remark on the appearance of women they found attractive.

That custom reflected sexist ideas about the relations between women and men. It presupposed, for example, that women should care about whether male or strangers, in whom they displayed no interest, found them attractive, and be pleased when they did.

There are obviously social contexts in which flrtation is generally considered appropriate -e.g., at a singles bar or a college ''mixer,'' to the meat-space world. But in ordinary settings?

It's now widely understood that expression of sexual interest are something you work up to only if the other party has given you reason to suppose that they might be appreciated.

In such settings, invoking someone's attractiveness, as an opening remark to a complete stranger, is discourteous and wrong.

The middle-aged fellow of your story evidently had some awareness of this. We typically say '' with all due respect '' in context where what we are saying would otherwise be presumed to be disrespectful.

Your telling him off, created a moment of embarrassment for him that might lead him to reflect on whether he ought to do this sort of thing again. If what you said embarrassed your cousin, too, this may be because she still inhabits the world in which such remarks are considered a gift, not an imposition.

And though your daughter-in-law responded gamely to the incident, she was setting a low bar with her reference to '' creepier '' things she'd heard.

The way to reduce such remarks is to make it clear when they're unwelcome.

The World Students Society thanks Kwame Anthony Appiah who teaches philosophy at N.Y.U. His books include '' Cosmopolitanism, '' '' The Honor Code '' and '' The Lies that Bind :  Rethinking Identity.''